The ball is in your court right now, but I still have no idea what game you are playing, what the rules are, and what my role is. This limbo situation never figured into my wishlist, and I want out of it as soon as possible. Right now I am just playing by ear and waiting, because it is your call. But the moment I sense less than savoury intentions from you, the moment I get wind of the slightest hint that you are just using me, and moment I detect any less than pure motives, I am cutting my losses and running away with my head held high.

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During my childhood I never really thought about Prince Charming or dreamt of anyone arriving on a white horse to carry me away. I think I regarded him as some nondescript but necessary fellow in the Disney movies put there just for the sake of some reward for the heroine; I was more interested in how the heroines managed to save the day and sing at the same time. 

The 15-16 age range had me wishing for an encounter with a dark brooding handsome stranger who would stare at me from a corner of an inn, sending frissons down my spine before approaching me to sweep me off my feet on his dark horse. I believe this fantasy came about after swooning over the sexual appeal of Aragorn from Lord of the Rings, and Mr Darcy's stiff upper lip repressed sexuality from Pride and Prejudice too. Oh and the sexy Phantom of the Opera played by Gerrard Butler in the 2004 movie version. The idea of having a possessive and sometimes emo man who is wildly in love with me was very appealing at that time, when I was an introvert and cared only about my books and regarded the real world as a superficial space that was unworthy of my notice. (I really walked with my nose in my air, yes I was such a loser haha)

The best years of my life so far -when I was 17 and 18, finally maturing and gaining respect for humanity and actually turning into a slight extrovert. I can safely say I gained the most in terms of character during this period, but I was definitely still not realistic when it came to looking for an ideal guy. He had to be richer than me, a British or French aristocrat, very gentlemanly and sensitive to my needs. As you can see, there isn't an ounce of pragmatism but the truth was deep down I really believed I could find such a person one day even though I might have joked about it on the surface.

Turning 19 was not exactly pivotal but the realism started to creep in, and though my notion of an ideal soul mate still held, it was fast fading into a mere wish, with little hope of it being fulfilled. Moreover, I realised I was not desperate to be attached to anyone, and started to realise that I do not need someone to validate my existence or status quo.

Over the past few years, I never really saw it coming but my perception of gender roles underwent a dramatic shift which can be attributed towards growing cynicism and sociology education in university. I realised I had been brought up to learn that men should be breadwinners, women should stay at home to do the housework and give up their careers, or if not, they can cling on to careers for sure but suffer because the burden of child raising is placed entirely on their shoulders. The slightly patraichical society I live in here reinforces all these norms, and I discovered I had a bit of feminist in me when I get worked up over the inequality gap between genders.

Someone once wrote to the forum in a debate over the amount of paternity leave and gender roles in society. "Men are made for greater things than changing diapers." She (yes it was a woman who sought to uphold patraichical values) went on to rant about how women nowadays have no clue about their proper role in a Confucian society which is to be the nurturer and home maker. I wanted to join the ranks of people who were writing in to heap scorn on her but realised she has enough criticism and is thankfully not representative of the population. One guy wrote "Who are you Ms ***, you sound like a dream can I marry you please?"

Humour aside, I get highly irked by such views that seek to maintain the unequal status quo of women and men. Hearing it personally from guy friends sometimes might be the proverbial straw that breaks the camel's back, or in my case, the mitigating factor towards the creation of such a blog entry. They expect their wives to be pure and virginal but for them it is perfectly fine if they are experienced. They want their girlfriends to be caring and giving but they do not necessarily need to be that way. Such double standards leave a bile taste in my throat and an overwhelming desire to smack their faces whenever they say things along this line.

I am not saying I believe men and women are the same, in fact, I bask in my femininity, and am unabashedly feminine. I am occasionally clueless about directions, super frivolous and vain, and sometimes do uphold certain female stereotypes. I also have no qualms agreeing that the man should be the head of the household, provided his wife is the neck upon which the head turns. I just expect there to be equal socio economic opportunities for both men and women, without inherent discrimination in the structure of policies and society in addition to conscious discrimination and prejudice. Note that I don't disrespect other females whose ambition is to be a rich husband's wife or a home maker, if it is their calling, then who am I to judge? But I do resent it if others expect it to be every woman's calling.

Now what does all this have to do with my ideal guy at this point of time? I would think it is quite obvious by now haha. I have given up wondering what kind of characteristics he should have but rather I am now more focused on what kind of mentality he should have towards gender roles. He needs to adore me that is for sure haha but more importantly, he has to respect my independence, obviously now I do not expect him to be richer than me, nor does he need to be gentlemanly to a fault and be conscientiously attentive to all my needs although some sensitivity is still required.

I might reflect on this from time to time and this entry might give the impression that I really do want to find someone right now, but the truth is I don't. I am rapidly approaching, or already am in the stage in life where all I care about now is God, my friends and family and studies/career. Sure if someone comes along the way now hurray for me but I am not too concerned about not getting attached or even more long term, married. (The thought of which is now so foreign). I want to establish myself in this world through my own abilities and means, and I do not want to be defined by someone else which is the case for some people in relationships, where they are known by XXX's girlfriend or boyfriend. I admit the notion of being attached with someone always there for you is definitely lovely and we are biologically designed to look for a mate, but at this point in time I do not need anyone to validate my existence, nor do I need a significant other to ease my insecurities or boost my confidence. I want to be who I am on my own.